With my new Morning routine, one part is all to do with silence. Sssshhhh, I can hear you thinking.
Me and meditation have never been the best of pals. Not that I don’t believe it works, it’s just that my head is constantly full of so much shit that I can barely see straight let alone think straight.
However, when its put out there that part of the program is to sit in silence and meditate, I was envisioning a day long stint of trying to get my head clear enough to remember what silence was.
So here’s a little insight into what was going on in my head
– those kids better not bloody wake up while im trying to meditate
– if they wake up im just going to go back to bed
– im tired
– im so gonna be a grumpy bitch later today
– im hungry
– im thirsty
– oh shit did i pull something out for dinner, no wait, its a no cook day right?
Blah blah blah friggin blah. Sooooo much blah!
Yet, something cropped up that I hadn’t thought about in a long time. I remembered when I was younger, like way younger, and I was testing out meditation, that I had some major breakthroughs in my emotional balance and my outlook on life. I then started to remember the ideals I carried with me at the time, how I was going to be this and do that and have all manner of things and people in my life.
Then I remembered something more important. I remembered that I use to DREAM. Ohhhh and did that open the flood gates of emotion right there! The dreams I had for my life, before my kids and even after. Where had that dreamer gone over the last 6 years. Why wasn’t I striving to be, do and have the life I always wanted. Was it because I was in my 40’s now? Maybe it was because I was too busy being busy to be able to sit down and think about the things I really wanted to experience in life. Maybe after the challenges I had faced I just wanted to ride the wave of mediocrity for a little bit.
Or, maybe I didn’t believe that I deserved it.
Ok so that’s enough doom and gloom, however, this process is brining a lot of things into focus for me now. I seem to have so much to work through, least of all who I want to be if I ever grow up.
Yet what kind of example am I setting for my kids if I am living a life I am just settling for? Am I teaching them that its ok to just not do what you really want to do especially if it seems to hard, or you can’t be bothered, or your too busy?
Thats not a lesson I was intending on leaving my kids with.
So today marks a new chapter in life for me.
Unpretty Mom has been heading a bit of a negative path in terms of subject posts, however, I feel validated that getting all that shit out and seeing it for what it is will help me move forward.
So yes there is still more Unpretty to come, but it’s not going to be all Unpretty, there may be some random acts of pretty thrown in to mix things up.
I have only one question for you today……’what is your lifes purpose‘ ………
I will answer this question when I find the answer, but the best thing is, I want to find the answer!
Dream big ladies and live large!